Felisa Rogers
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A rock and a hard place

3/19/2020

26 Comments

 
Picture
Attempting to look melancholy in captivity
3:18 PM
I've now been inside this apartment for 48 hours, except for 30 minutes yesterday, when I ran up and down the ten flights of stairs. The sounds of the metropolis filter in: the rattle of buses, honking, dogs barking, an eerie yet beautiful trumpet. I wonder if the city looks any different than it did two days ago. Are there fewer people walking the streets?

Being indoors all the time feels extremely strange. The term "outdoorsy" isn't exactly right for me. It evokes a certain level of wholesomeness that I don't manifest and implies that I own expensive hiking boots and water sandals. But I am accustomed to spending a lot of time outdoors. In fact, I just spent two months camping in an open air hut on a remote Pacific beach. I ran in the morning and swam every day, drying myself in the sun beneath massive blue skies and enjoying the breeze on my skin. I hardly got online.

I keep thinking how comparatively "normal" my life would feel if I were at home in the Oregon Coast Range. I already live alone, work from home (for which I feel extremely thankful), and seldom see other people. Instead of driving to town for supplies once a week, I'd probably set it up so I went once every two or three weeks. I'd miss drinking beer on my porch with my neighbor La Lechera and the occasional visits with other friends, but, other than that, my life would hardly change. I'd get up and run on the gravel road in the morning and garden in the breaks between the rain. 

But here's the thing. I think there's a big difference between being actually alone and just mostly alone. And the thought of being totally alone is a little scary. Is anyone out there who is isolating solo? What are your thoughts? (What do I have to look forward to?)

Here in Mexico City, I am fortunate to be "isolating" with someone I truly love and enjoy. For reasons too obscure to explain, I will call him Poodles. Poodles is good company for watching bootleg ALF DVDs and arguing about gangster movies and complaining about the terrible accents of 90% of the Spanish-speaking characters on Breaking Bad. The downside, of course, is that I am in his apartment. I've always been sensitive about imposing on people and getting in the way, and of course I imagine it's  annoying to have me snorfling around, dripping shower water on the floor, grinding my teeth, and dribbling coffee grounds on the counters.

I have a ticket home for April 5, but I have no idea if it will be reasonable or even possible to leave then. I am considering trying to change my ticket to leave sooner, but I don't know if that will be possible.

And, truth be told, I am just as scared of leaving as I am of staying here. It could mean getting stuck in the United States indefinitely. That's half a joke, but I'm also serious. My boyfriend and my mother both live in Mexico. I've always felt happier and more at home here than I do in the US. The idea of actually being cut off from Mexico makes me feel like I can't breathe.

I guess the only thing is to live in the moment and be grateful that I'm in good company and that I'm not sick, and that I have work and a place to stay other than a lonely, expensive, and probably virus-prone hotel.

It was extremely cool and heartening to get so many responses to my last post, and I was fascinated to read everyone's experiences. I hope you will keep writing.

I think it would be interesting to record what we are thinking now, at the relative outset of this epoch. How long do we imagine keeping this up? How bad do we think it will get? I am also interested in hearing from people who have been doing this longer than I have. How is isolation affecting you? Has your perspective changed much since the first couple of days?

I want to be clear that I'm not looking for sympathy. While my situation is unique, it is certainly not that bad. My goal here is, for history nerd reasons, to record my experience and the perspectives of anyone who chooses to comment. I am interested in the ways in which we are all isolated yet all in this together.



26 Comments
Alyssa
3/19/2020 07:59:40 pm

I am isolating with JJ, which means he is home alone all day and the moment I walk in the door after work he needs to tell me in a non-stop 45 minute run-on sentence exactly why he only made it through 4 episodes of Netflix's The Witcher series before becoming so enraged that they ruined his favorite book series and explain how they didn't pronounce the names correctly and how he knows because he saw an interview with a Portuguese associate of the author who was consulted on the language of that universe and how they screwed up the background relationships of the side characters and OMG, it's exhausting and now you know what it's like. LOL. I'm glad he called his cousin after I finally ran away for some peace and quite.

Meanwhile, I'm very fortunate to still be working. Some of our team have been reassigned for emergency services and I'm left in charge of the team without much idea of what the ever-changing government policy of the day is. We're making it up as we go along and the general public is mostly being cool, but there are those special fuckers that yell at me because they don't get what they want and I wish I could shake them and yell, "do you even see what's going on, asshole?" 1/2 the staff is terrified and doesn't want to be at work, the other half is also stressed but trying to stay one step ahead of all the disasters.
Meanwhile, I can still play tennis (if you call chasing the ball around the court after whacking it in the wrong direction by accident *playing*) and it's weird to see the daffodils and magnolias blooming like it's finally spring break and what it wrong with you people! look at all the pretty flowers and that fiery ball in the sky that you haven't seen in months.

Quarantine doesn't impact my life that much at the moment, except for a low level anxiety that is like a constant static. I still work all the fucking time and I've been too broke to do anything like see shows or eat out anyway. So I continue to continue, and pretend, my life will never end.... and all that.
I love you buttloads.

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Felisa
3/20/2020 08:12:38 am

Thanks for making me laugh, Alyssa. I love you too. Say hi to JJ for me. I guess I need to read those books...

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Raddah
3/19/2020 08:11:26 pm

On week 3 of self quarantine after getting very sick but unable to procure a test. You’re likely more safe in Mexico than the US. Now that I’m better, I’d rather be in Mexico too!

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Churpa
3/20/2020 08:17:44 am

Wow. Scary. Are you feeling better?
*Someday I would love to hang out with you in Mexico.

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Raddah
3/20/2020 11:34:13 am

Yes, feeling much better, thanks. And itching like crazy to come play with you in Mexico. But not the contagious itchy! Just the, i hope it happens sooner rather than later itch. Be well sweet Churp! Thanks for providing great reading material, especially while on lock down.

Churpa
3/20/2020 11:46:49 am

Oh good! How long are you going to quarantine for? You really should come see me in Mexico sometime. Um, if we ever travel again...

Hannah
3/19/2020 08:21:42 pm

I was told yesterday morning by my biggest client that my contract would not be renewed. I suspected that would happen for months, so I am not surprised by it. Maybe relieved even. Still it makes things a bit more uncertain.

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Churpa
3/20/2020 08:19:21 am

Oh man...Yeah, I feel super grateful to be able to work online, but I also wonder what will happen when the money starts to dry up.

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Raya Light
3/19/2020 08:36:55 pm

I don’t envy you Churpa but I have empathy for you (but never sympathy I wouldn’t dare). Knowing you at home in the PNW and knowing you at home Mexico, I see both sides of you. It is scary here, I won’t lie. But I keep telling myself this won’t be forever and reminding myself to not make big life decisions when I’m in fight or flight mode. It seems like a luxury you don’t have at the moment. In the end nobody knows how things will end up, but I’m hoping all these precautions will leave us “ embarrassingly overly reacting vs. tragically under reacting” . (Quoted from a letter from Oregon Doctors petition pleading to local health authorities.)

I’ve been self quarantined for over a week. Last Wednesday J came down with a bug and I decided to stay home to avoid any potential spreading. He moved into the studio and we now disinfected door knobs and surfaces inside. On Friday I got sick and it hasn’t been all bad. Cold? Flu? COVID19? Who knows. We order thermometers next day delivery on Amazon. We both are feeling much better now, but still not going around other people or sleeping in the same bed.

In Oregon we still don’t have widespread testing and neither of us are about to go to the Doctor since we aren’t that sick. Medical resources need to be available to the more vulnerable. It sucks though because in the meantime we aren’t able to go anywhere, just in case. Friends have left care packages and we put in an order for 24 hour grocery delivery (it still took a week).

Lately I’ve been thinking that my prepper parents weren’t that crazy after all! Thank the mother earth goddess that pantry food for dinner is not the end of the world. And seriously people, stop hoarding bottled water?!? This is a pandemic not an earthquake. We live in Oregon and the faucets are still running. It snowed on Saturday and was sunny and mid 60s today. Do people not know they fill up a bucket and their empty kombucha jars?

I made the difficult decision to close my business yesterday. All Airbnb canceled by guests. I started a gift certificate sale online. Luckily J’s company is used to working from home, I think he misses his coworkers but would never admit it. It’s scary though, so many local businesses have had to shut down. Better to be embarrassingly over prepared, I repeat to myself.

I’ve been talking to my Dad & M and they say life is same-same for them out there, only everyone is calling more often. That said, they are considering getting wifi so they can do livestreams, which could indicate we are officially in the upside down?

Overall though life isn’t that bad day to day, it’s just all the what-ifs. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I want to have a virtual dinner party. You should join! My plan is to get offline for most of the day and work in the yard. Way too much time in bed and refreshing news on my phone. Happy to be feeling better though. Planning for the worst and hoping for the best.

Whatever you decide, miss you and love you! Always

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Churpa
3/20/2020 11:48:56 am

Love you, Radel! Great to hear your perspective on this. Please keep me posted about your health...Scary...And also about virtual dinner party! xoxox Happy fucking birthday!

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Cree
3/19/2020 09:28:26 pm

Churpa! You are bold and brave to be doing this, and you’ve still got your sense of humor, which is super healthy. As is writing this blog. I’m still unclear why you ended up alone In Mexico City instead of with Rich and/or your mom. But if you are indeed alone now, for whatever reason, I would trust your instinct to stay with your family ties in Mexico. I didn’t want to leave Lo de Marcos but Donald was scheduled to fly back on Tuesday to do a bunch of gigs (which got cancelled) and come home to our family of cats. Squeak, the matriarch, is 15 and we don’t know how long she’ll be with us. Since we’re in a crisis, I opted to stay stick with the family unit so that whatever happens (like the borders or airlines shut down) our little family would be together. So that’s the best advice I have to share with you. Take it for what it’s worth and know I’m holding you in my heart ❤️

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Chile
3/20/2020 07:49:07 am

We’re down to 8 people on the beach, including Raul and Grasiela. I don’t know if they even know about what’s going on. They basically live in quarantine full time. Life here is the same for everyone except the 6 foot rule. We went to Chile rellenos on Wednesday and had a table to ourselves because nobody else showed up. We’re hunkered down waiting till things blow over. See you on the flip side.

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Churpa
3/20/2020 11:40:03 am

Argh. I miss the beach. Catch some sun for me.

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Tina
3/20/2020 08:18:02 am

Poodles? Poodles???? (I know, only one expletive allowed!)

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Howard Fallon link
3/20/2020 09:38:15 am

Like fishermen & womyn who mend their nets we're now working on what has been spoiled or broken. No thought for tomorrow just do the work that needs to be done today.

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Micah
3/20/2020 09:41:49 am

Hey there. I've been isolated alone for 6 days in a house near the forest in Portland. I don't have a fur companion, which I think would make a huge difference. I'm used to spending time alone, but not confined inside for this long. Luckily, forest park is behind me, so whenever I feel stir crazy, I go for a walk or jog up the trail. I've gotten out a few times to get supplies and medications, which was actually nice to see humans. I will loose my contract job next week and so next couple months look grim, but I'm fortunate that I only support myself and will be ok. I know the summer will be more of the same, as all the big festivals, even smaller music festivals in late summer, are cancelled. It will be a summer to get outside in small groups. I just hope people are respectful of nature, practice 'leave no trace' principles, stay on trails, and abide to good outdoor etiquette. I really want to be near my family, but can't risk traveling and exposing them to COVID, as I know it was going around the building I was working in last week. I would advise you to stay in Mexico, because in these uncertain times, you'll want be with those you love. Sending love.

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Churpa
3/20/2020 11:42:29 am

Yeah, I think animals do make a big difference. I miss our camp cats and Mick and Keith, who are back home in Oregon and have probably forgotten all about me. Thanks for checking in and for the advice. Love you!

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Adrienne
3/20/2020 10:19:19 am

It’s crazy to think it was only a week ago that Kate brown closed schools in Oregon. It feels like it’s been a month already. I’m not going stir crazy cause I’ve been staying active, getting outside, going on hikes, but I can’t stand the uncertainty. Checking my phone constantly for news updates (both local and national), reading articles to try to get a grasp on the situation, and texting constantly have been doing little for my mental state. I want to know what’s gonna happen. I want to know when I will be able to get back to work. I keep thinking about my students - some stoked, I’m sure, to have this extended spring break, some miserable being stuck at home, some bored out of their minds, some maybe in danger or hungry, some experiencing high levels of anxiety. I want to provide them with help or comfort, but I’m not sure how.

For now, I just have to keep telling myself that I am lucky to be healthy, child-less, have the ability to leave my house, and am still getting a paycheck on the 1st.

Good luck churpa. I miss you a lot. I’m glad you are staying safe. I look forward to seeing you eventually!

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Churpa
3/21/2020 01:56:26 pm

Good to hear from you, Adi! I miss you too. The school stuff is crazy to think about...Keep us posted?
Someday we'll all be sitting on a porch together again...

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La Lechera
3/20/2020 10:55:29 am

Dang, Churps, I can't imagine being confined indoors. I really would go crazy! We've imposed quarantine on ourselves just to be safe, especially with my mom being in a higher risk group. Personally, I love it. I don't have to go anywhere or talk to anyone or worry about people randomly stopping by. It's a relief, and I sort of forgot just how profoundly antisocial I am. I miss you and our porch hangout time. Everyone here seems to be doing pretty well although T has bouts of hypochondriac paranoia. Working on the 5000 projects that have been languishing and growing a shit ton of veggie starts anticipating increased demand. I too want to know what is going to happen. How long will this go on? Will it result in economic collapse? Should I be planting potatoes and flour corn to feed the Valley, instead of lettuce and broccoli for market?
I hope you can come back, but being near family is really important.
Not quarantined alone but after Katrina I didn't see another human for a week. I talked to my cats a lot, which helped but I still went kinda feral. Not interacting with people means no social rules apply. It's almost warm enough here to be naked. No people = no clothes. Yay!!!!
Love you, stay safe.

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Churpa
3/20/2020 11:33:54 am

Haha. I knew you'd be enjoying this on some level, LL. Love you and miss you.

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Beyonava
3/21/2020 05:39:20 am

We moved out of Spain one week before they essentially shut down the country. I've been in a hotel in Virginia for the last two weeks while I was attending a training event. My husband was lucky enough to go straight to our final destination of Texas and start looking for a place to live.

We are looking at the real possibility of living in an empty house with an air mattress and a few borrowed objects until our stuff finally arrives. We have been told a lot of ship from overseas is getting held in the ports.

Right now I'm feeling a little useless since normally I work in an emergency department and all my friends are feeling the burden of this pandemic. Honestly we have been sending each other memes non-stop just keep our sanity.

I'm also very disappointed that our trip to see family after being gone for three years has been cancelled, but we are just being flexible and trying not to get sucked into the panic.

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Churpa
3/24/2020 07:41:28 am

Hello! I was wondering what was going on with you! Wow, it must be a shock to go from Spain to a hotel in Virginia. Moving during this time sounds incredibly strange. What's going on in Virginia and Texas?
And haha re memes. I think they are keeping us all sane.
So good to hear from you...

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Angie
3/21/2020 09:04:24 am

Hey Mama!
Been thinking about you a lot with this and sorry I haven’t kept in better touch this Winter! This is pretty daunting. My knee jerk reaction is for you to stay there with your loved ones, but realize I’m saying this from my new porch on an acre while looking at a wetland and cherry blossoms. Still, it’s really wonderful to have someone to have someone to be stuck with. I wish that Huey Lewis song would just get out of my head though! Haha, gotcha!

I’m closing my practice this week, and feeling a ton of insecurity around that, but of course it’s the only decision. Feeling stupid for taking care of that expensive car repair and paying my taxes early. The break from work will actually be kinda nice though. We have a nice garden space here and there’s lots of craft projects to do. I have adequate vitamins for now, too. Gonna start making masks for friends and the local hospital this weekend. Stoked that I have been hanging onto fabric and old flannel bed sheets, a new generation of hoarders are born! Huzzah!

A’s shop is laying people off but not closing. At the start of bike season they are very busy, and some people are totally ignoring distancing. Yikes. Litttleman is out of school and not getting tutoring for dyslexia. A’s schedule changed so he will need to be with me, thankfully a separate education plan came through so we have somewhere to go from. So grateful we have a spot to turn him loose and be outside though. Crying a lot but moving through the fear, because we’re actually ok for now.

Whenever you come back your kitties will have the chance to fall in love with you all over again. Thanks for keeping us posted, I’m glad you’re getting the chance to write just cuz you’re amazing at it, nutty topic aside. Say hi to Poodles! Hahaha
Love you!

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Churpa
3/21/2020 02:01:49 pm

Hey mama!
So good to hear from you. Missed our beach time this year...I feel like every day I'm thinking of more ways more people I know are going to be impacted by this. It's fucking crazy. But I'm glad you're keeping your head up and in good company. Love you!

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Bette
3/22/2020 10:59:00 am

So glad to here how you are getting along and also comments from others we know. About leaving or staying that's a big decision. Bob's nephew Eli and his wife just came back from Thailand yesterday. They planned to be there several months and left after 2 weeks. They said it got really crazy there with everything closing and they were afraid if they didn't come back now they might not be able to come back. Who knows about Mexico. Will they start doing more to stop the spread or not? In Thailand they were taking everyones temperature everywhere. As for Bob and I we are doing fine except for the general anxiety about everyones health and welfare i.e. no jobs, no school etc. We just realized that we were seniors when all the places we volunteer called us last week to tell us not to come in to work. We are taking walks in the woods and on beaches. Day before yeaterday we put out the crab pots and yesterday picked up 11 crabs. The ocean was beautiful and sunny and no one was out there. Easy to do social distancing. I miss doing things with my friends but we talk a lot on the phone. I am working in my garden a lot and there is lot to eat out there. We try to go to stores as little as possible. All events, parties, restaurants, our community center, are closed. Things change day by day and restrictions get tighter. Some airports are closing but as of now it seems you can get back if you choose to do that. It has been a grand winter before this happened, sunny, reasonably warm and no rair for 5 weeks. We are now having a little rain which is good. I must say that it is gorgeous here with everything starting to bloom. I feel very lucky to have Bob Sequestered in Place with me as we get along really well and enjoy eachothers company. At night we watch movies or documenteries. I read and do jig saw puzzles and Bob is on the computer. Anyway, that is the whole story for now. I was already planning to stop and see you on our way to Portland in the early spring but who knows what will happen with any of those trips now. Hope whatever you decide to do will work out for you. Love you dearly.

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